Sometimes, just sometimes, I get those horrible moments where I want to throw a pity party. I’d wear a hat but my wife won’t let me (thank you Liv or I would look even goofier in my state of pity).
Take for example my ministry track record for the past five years (as I see it).
2004 Success: South Mills NC, Ebenezer Baptist Church. God used a punk like me to help a church start to grow. It certainly wasn’t all me. Yet, God did use me to help get a children and youth program started. I consider that a success.
2004 Failure: I left that church way too soon. I should have stuck it out longer there, I did a disservice not giving it more time. I justified leaving after half a year because I was engaged and moving to the other side of the state. I wish I had stuck it out more and invested more time into those kids.
2005-2006 Success: First experience in a new Church plant. It was a community church. In my opinion they used community because they were ashamed of the Baptist brand. In that church I tried everything from College and Career pastor to youth pastor. That church due to its location across the street from the college attracted but didn’t keep any young people. The worship style and age of congregation didn’t help since the average age was middle aged married with kids. It was hard being a youth pastor with only one youth. He was the pastor’s kid and we didn’t mesh. So our youth ministry didn’t last long. When children came I did teach there lessons. That was always fun. We had no resources for a childrens ministry. Honestly that was no problem. Just the joy of telling kids about Jesus was most always enough. Hopefully someone else will be used of the Spirit to “make much of Jesus” from a foundation I helped to lay.
2005-2006 Failure: I felt justified in my indignation to the injustice (merely perceived and otherwise) that was our church and denomination. It wasn’t a healthy church in a lot of ways. We hired a evangelism minster who never led anyone to our church. The rumor was he was on drugs, he may have been all I know is he didn’t do a lot. I thought the pastor was a great soul winner who was going to teach me a lot. That didn’t happen. We were supposed to move to a town down the road from us and it never happened. The church had some successes. In many ways it was a integrated church in a town with a deep history of racial tension. The greatest problem was that I had fundamental disagreements with my lead pastor. He advocated positions I did not feel were essential for the gospel. I also didn’t like that the pastor didn’t refer to the SBC which was our denomination but they supported us and we took their money. I was often arrogant and this probably showed more than I even now realize. I was still working out my theology and wasn’t able to ask for help in that partially because I didn’t feel comfortable doing so and partially because I was afraid to do so. Sure, my former Pastor could have been more fatherly. I needed that father figure in the ministry. Sure, he could have shepherded me more. Yet to quote that sage philosopher Pogo ““I have seen the enemy, and he is us.” It wasn’t ultimately anyone’s issue but my own. I should have and could have done more to reach out to him. It may not have been my responsibility but it was my duty to try. In that I failed miserably.
2006 Success: I left that church and started attending a emergent Baptist church plant called the Living Fish that had relaunched in Wilmington. I loved the pastor there. I still do. He was a really good man and talented minster and I still consider him a good friend. The day we joined the church he quit. Seriously, he quit. How many people can say “We joined the church and the pastor quit!” He was done with the toughness of planting a church. It is tough stuff trying to start a new church with nearly no support. Our denomination supported through money but that was about it. For him it was a toil on his marriage and friendships. I was asked to interim at the church as their temporary pastor until they figured out what they wanted to do. I prayed about it and excepted. There was only a small group of them and they wanted leadership.
2007-2008 Failure: I was arrogant enough to think I had it to offer them. I still don’t know what I was thinking other than “this is cool, I can do this, it’s what I’ve always since learning about church planting wanted to do.” I knew that Jesus is the head of the Church but that didn’t stop me from trying to play that role. That church was called Living Fish, an emergent Baptist church. I convinced the church to ax emergent, since none of them theologically were emergent. I also convinced them to change the name to Living Faith. They called me as there pastor and I accepted. We moved the church from the town of Wilmington where it was relaunched in Hampsted the town north of Wilmington. At first I thought we were doing pretty good. We started meeting in the local community building. We got some shirts made and gave them away. We sent out some information by fliers attached to Frisbees with our name and logo. We got a band together. We even had a youth group come and help us promote our church. I got in good with the local and state denominational heads. We were supported by and were openly affiliating with our denomination. The problem was we weren’t being blessed by God. The community building was problematic. No room for children’s ministry. It was an older building and he we had a tough time getting them to let us put up advertisement. Ironically, another church now uses that building and they put up a semi permanent sign. Just how life works. When we moved to a building big enough to do both adult and children’s ministry that is when things went from bad to worse. Our one deacon’s family left with their kids. Also our band fell apart. One of the guitarist was and still is as far as I know a struggling alcoholic. Our drummer was sporadic in attendance. Another guitarist left as his wife didn’t like traveling a long distance to attend church.
2007-2008 Success: Now God did work in this time. The deacon’s family asked me to help counsel them through a really rough patch that could have easily ended in divorce. One of the guitarist who left ended up going to another church. We picked up one family that has stuck through all the turmoil and is still with us. That family is really awesome. The husband is searching God’s will to go into ministry possibly as a Pastor. He is also a really good friend.
2008-2009: Mixed results is the best way to categorize things. Most importantly for me, God has really been working in my life. My theology is pretty much where I think God wants me to be with it for now. Room for growth but certainty on some things that up until now were really hard for me to reconcile are now reconciled. We are pretty close to trying to get our current church out of the small group stage into the community stage. We have had a few families join us. We are praying for a few more to maybe get involved but that is God decision not ours. My wife and I had our first baby girl back in February 11, 2008. Learning how to be a dad has been a amazing experience for me as a person and as a pastor. I’ve finally dealt with some personal sin issues that have been dogging me for years. I have and still am learning how to be abandoned in and to the Grace and Truth of Christ. Whom the Son set free is free indeed. I feel free from my failures. It’s a relief actually.
There are moments when I want to have a pity party when I reflect over the nearly five years I have been in the ministry. In all of this I have learned two great truths. God works all things together for good. That includes my failures. Second, my failures have led to my success. It’s kind of hard to have a pity party when God tells you to be thankful that through your failure experiences that He has been practicing discipline on you and that he was working you through them the whole time.
Hebrews 12:7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
My ultimate goal is no longer to plant something that will be a testimony to me. I never realized before but that was part of my goals and desires. In fact when I die I don’t really care if anyone knows my name or remembers me. What I hope is that people really know the name of my Lord and Savior. My failures have and are being used of God to refine me. So I see my failures as part of what I need to succeed in becoming what God will have me to be. In that I don’t mind succeed at failing on occasion.
Possibly related posts:
- thoughts of a book title against Brian McLaren
- The closing of Crossmark Church
- How You Should View Your Ministry