Originally I was going to just blog on what it means to be a Dad for Christian fathers. Today I learned of two prominent TV personalities that are professing Christians and I thought that I would use them to take my blog in a different direction than what I originally intended to write. Today’s blog post is about the consequences of failing to be a Godly dad.
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My odyssey on writing on Jon began when my wife remarked tonight that she wished we had cable again. We watch very little TV and have had cable disconnected for about two years now. I asked her why and she said that there was “news” of a big “special announcement” on the tv show Jon and Kate + 8. It peaked my wife’s and then my curiosity about what was the news about this couple. We do watch some of the morning TV shows so I was familiar with the rumors that the couple was having marital problems. So we waited till the show went off the air and googled to see what we would find. We read online that they are probably getting a divorce. The language they are using is a “separation.” Nice code for divorce to use with the kids and the media. We all know apart from God’s grace where that marriage is heading. It is heading to the land of a thousand lawyers.
Here are the three big problems (amongst others) that I see with their news and particularly my problem with Jon.
First, they both say they are happy. How on earth are you happy when you have just messed up the image of marriage for eight kids? It is a fact that kids that come from divorced families are much more likely to divorce themselves. They may have just set up eight kids for terribly rocky starts in their own relationships. Let us set something straight. I don’t care who thinks they can grant marriage. The fact is that God created marriage. The first commentary on the institution of marriage in the gospels shows that Jesus took marriage very seriously. Jesus in the gospel of Matthew gives a sober warning against divorce when he says “what God has put together let no man separate.” Seriously, they are happy to separate? Jesus is saying, you separate and see what God lets happen to you.
They may not like it but Jesus certainly is not on their side on this issue. They are in sin against Him on this. Only time will tell how this sin will mess with their children’s future relationships. I wouldn’t be surprised to one day here that one or more of the daughters ends up with problems relating to unmarried sexual promiscuity. Statistically their odds of getting involved in risky sexual behavior just multiplied greatly. As for the boys, where are they going to see a pattern to learn how to be good Dads and Husbands? Everything I have heard about Kate is that she is a very controlling strong willed woman. Jon apparently is not a very strong willed man. Apparently he often acquiesce to Kate. Where are their boys and girls going to learn what it looks like to be a real masculine man? The boys are going to learn that you either a. quit and run or b. just do whatever you are told to do to avoid conflict. As they age they will either likely swing from one extreme to another. Either they will be mama’s boys or misogynistic. The girls will grow to learn that the way to get something from a man is to tear him down or nag him until they get what they want. If you doubt my words watch the show. Watch Kate when she wants something from Jon before he “has enough”, gives in, and leaves the picture.
Second, do they realize what they have done to the development of their kids walk with God? Dads are created in part to reflect and impart God’s presence in the life of their kids. Men are created directly in the image of God, women are created indirectly in the image of God. Men are supposed to reflect the glory of God in their lives. Godly examples of masculinity are necessary for the proper spiritual formation of both boys and girls. Jon is suppose to be the spiritual head in that household. The religion that these children will experience is now going to be missing a large part of what God had intended. God wants men to lead in the Church and in the home. I don’t know if its true or not but I doubt that Jon has led much in the spiritual department of their relationship. From what little I have seen of the show Christian spirituality is not something that defines him or their family. I wouldn’t have even known that they were professing Christians if it wasn’t for the book that Kate wrote about their faith. My wife read the book and she said that the book doesn’t really go into Jon’s faith. Likely these kids will now only get a lopsided version of Christianity that is passed on to them by their mother and grandparents. God can work through this like He did with Timothy in the New Testament. Yet, clearly this is not what God had intended for this family or any family. Paul had to “adopt” Timothy as a spiritual son to help him grow into being the man God intended. Read the book of Timothy. The dude had serious issues. Years were robbed from Timothy because his dad was not interested in developing the spiritual growth of his son. It would be a shame if that is how it turns out with these kids. Time will tell if this is their future.
The third and the last thing I ever plan to say about this family is that since they profess to be Christians, non-Christians are going to judge Christianity and thereby Jesus by these people. Jon and Kate have given the world another bad example of what is Christianity. I am not belittling their problems or struggles. We are all fallen sinners. I am a sinner. My wife is a sinner. When we got married we combined the problems of two sinners saved by grace. I say this so I am not contrasting them as sinners with me as some perfect super saint who has arrived. I and my wife both have had those passing thoughts in the moment of anger when we thought about just quitting. Yet we haven’t, we won’t, and we never will. Quitting is not a option for us. It is true that quitting is generally always easier than sticking around through the really tough problems that can occur during marriage. More often than not quitting is the cowards way out. Imagine how different the morning news and gossip circles would be if all the national shows reported that instead of divorcing or even separating that Jon and Kate were going to work through their issues because that is what their God wants them to do. It would be a powerful testimony of two sinners trusting in God before the world.
So what do we men who are reading this gather from the disastrous ship wreck of another Christian marriage? We learn what not to do! God in the Old Testament compares himself both to a Father and a husband. As a Father he loves his children and works even tough things out so that they will come home to Him. He disciplines them and nurtures them. He loves them. He doesn’t abandon them. God also is compared to a husband that has a wife that is unfaithful, rude, and complaining. He gets angry without sin at her behavior. Yet here is the key he doesn’t leave. He doesn’t fight her instead He fights for her. This is our picture of how to be a dad. When we get this we have mastered the art of being a dad biblically.
There are three commitments we should make.
First, God created marriage and brought us into the marriage that we are now in. Sometimes in our marriage we are happy. Sometimes we are not. God did not call us into marriage to learn how to be happy. He called us into marriage to learn how to be holy. We should fight for our marriage even when the primary enemy is the woman that we love. The fall has affected the natural order. She wants you to be in charge but she rebels against this. We must be willing to fight for our wives even when they are fighting against us. This is a beautiful picture of redemption and the gospel. The irony of a holy marriage is that generally speaking both partners are for the most part very happy. When we make happiness the goal though we will forfeit holiness by default and make our happiness the idol that will likely destroy our marriage. Our first commitment should be strong marriages working towards the goal of mutual holiness and we should focus first on our own holiness.
Second, we must be men and not run away even when that is the easy thing to do. We must not run away by turning to sex outside of marriage including porn, video games to distract us, hanging with the boys, retreating into our world of work. We must stand there and we must learn the word of God and tell it to our wives. We must live out the gospel before our children so that they will see the power of God at working in our lives. We may be sinners but we are sinners being reformed by the Word of God. We must be willing to take a few dozen, hundred, thousand attacks from our wives. We must even be willing to die for her. We must take up our crosses as Jesus took up his cross. We must not run. This is our Normady men. We either stand and fight or retreat and loose the war. Some of us may die. Yet it is better to enter Heaven maimed then to go into Hell with our full bodies. Every day we who profess Christ are either growing into the kingdom of Heaven on Earth or shrinking into the kingdom of Hell on Earth. We must realize that if we fail to do this we not only forfeit the life of our marriages but likely the lives of the marriages of our children. Our second commitment is that we must fight for our marriages and the future marriages of our children, and if possible the marriages of our friends and neighbors.
Third, we must let our marriages be examples to ourselves, our spouse, our children, and our community the reality of the presence of God in our lives. We must not fail at this. The reason Christianity is not taken seriously is because Christian men do not take it seriously. If we fail God may indeed be able to redeem the failure but that failure will still have terrible consequences. We should also certainly not either passively or purposefully allow our marriages to fail and just assume that God will fix our messes. Marriages should not be broken because marriage is analogy of the power and reality of God’s relationship with the Church and Jesus. Our kids and culture are looking at us. If they don’t see us living up to the power of the faith we profess why should they take it seriously? The mission is clear. Take your relationship with Jesus seriously. Work out your on salvation with fear and trembling and doing so you may shape the outcome of your children’s life and your own marriage. Third we should make a commitment that our marriages can be examples to all those people around us of the reality of God in our lives.
Onward Christian soldiers.
So what would God say to this couple? Jesus said it best “what God has put together let no man or woman separate.” He would say “come to me, you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” He would say “repent the kingdom of God is here, take my hand.” Finally he would say, “do again the things you did at first and return to your first love.”
I think he would say, note this is my opinion not a revelation from the Lord, “stop the stupid TV show and come follow me for a while.” He would also likely say “if you do not overcome your marriage (lampstand) flame will be put out forever.”
Addendum: If you are a Christian dad and you want to learn how to be a better one then start reading the Bible. Ask yourself in every section where God is doing something how can you as a dad reflect that. If you are not a Christian the most important thing you can do for your wife, kids, and yourself is to start a relationship with God through a relationship with Christ as your Lord and Savior. Jon if somehow you end up surfing the net and read this please now I am praying and rooting for you. I want you to be used of God to save your marriage. It’s never to late with God for redemption to occur if you will only soften your heart and let him take control.
Possibly related posts:
- Reflections on TV Dads
- My dad and a minivan
- Reflections on the Virginia Tech (VT) tragedy
- Qualification of lead planters: the dude by Mark Driscoll
- Jesus said two shall become one