I am 30 years old. When I was 20 I thought I’d be a grown up by 30. Biologically I’m there. I’m still not there pretty much everywhere else. I some times feel like a child pretending to be a grown up. I know what the Bible says but its hard to put it into action.

“When I was a child I spoke as a child I thought as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things.”

With God
I know my theological conviction but relating them to really knowing God is difficult and complicated to articulate.

With my wife
I love my wife Olivia. Yet I sometimes can not figure out how to lead in our relationship. I know we have the Bible but it would be great if there was a little section that said “Will do this to love and lead well.”

With my kids
I have two kids. I have a little girl that is looking at me to learn how men should treat her. I have a son who is looking at me trying to learn how to be a man. I need to make sure I raise them well and this scares me senseless. I know they are in God’s hands and he will use whatever I do well or otherwise but I seriously don’t want to screw my kids up.

Then it happens
Every once in a while, a wiser mature version of me steps in and handles a situation well and does it with grace. Honestly in those times, I just want to step back and see that guy in action. I’m like “Who is that guy and why can’t I always be him?” No I’m the guy to often being neurotic about what others think of me, hoping people don’t notice the major flaws, or cracking jokes when they do inwardly hoping they won’t leave me because it hurts so deeply.

Am I the only that ever feels like this?

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