Adam
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah
Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham
Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph
A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses
A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David
The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
Solomon
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha
Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea
A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Deborah
Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah
Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah
On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah
Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos
Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people–might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John
Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John
Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn’t follow along with them.
Timothy
Too young!
Methuselah
Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus
Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
The bishops of God’s church, the professed leaders of the Lord’s hosts, the pretended followers of the Redeemer, have done more damage to the church than all the church’s enemies. If the church were not a divine thing, protected by God, she must have ceased to exist, merely through the failure and iniquity of her own professed friends. I do not wonder that the church of God survived martyrdom and death; but I do marvel that she has survived the unfaithfulness of her own children, and the cruel backsliding of her own members.